Elmer Phud

Elmer Phud, as a young boy & man, wanted to be a farmer. That did not happen. Elmer was good at drafting in high school. He liked to draw. He decided to go into engineering. He went to tech school to train as a drafter. At the time, tech school training was 3 months. He was exited about his new career choice. He reasoned the way to get various experience would be to work at a company for about two years then move to another company. Each time he would gain experience, knowledge & a higher wage. Then after a few years he would settle down at one company to finish his career.

Elmer worked as a mechanical engineer for his entire career. Like many people, he never gave a thought to how the working environment can and would change him. When just starting his career he heard stories about human nature. There were groups of professionals in other disciplines who advocated people were a product of their surroundings.

Elmer did not believe in such poppycock. He would never change. People would be, act & respond as they always had, relying on their home upbringing. People would mature, learn & just be themselves no matter what the environment & surroundings were.

At first, things went very well for Elmer. The economy was moving right along. Every manufacturing company needed drafting & design people. The work was all done by hand. Companies needed many people on the payroll. Even when companies had a slow sales period, they maintained a full staff. Elmer went to night school to enhance his training & education. Elmer enjoyed the classes, work & meeting new people. He was bright, friendly & articulate. He was fashionable and well groomed. Dressed in the appropriate attire for the office of the time. He could & did mingle with people. He socialized with others after work. Went to parties. Hosted a party or two.

Then the economy started to change. Companies got into the habit of laying off people during slow times. Companies no longer maintained a full staff during slow periods. They needed less employees.The age of the corporate raider was on the horizon. Elmer’s plan was not working. Elmer was changing.

At first it was a very subtle change. His attitude began to turn down. Elmer became a little withdrawn at work. He was still bright, friendly & articulate. Elmer did not start a dialog with fellow employees. He still responded very well. The work place was becoming a hard place to work. Company loyalty for the employee was becoming non-existence. The work atmosphere was changing. Every one started to look out for themselves. Finger pointing and blame was the rule of the day. After all, if the company did not have its employees best interest at hand, why should the employees have the companies best interest in mind?

As time went by, Elmer would lose all of his jobs due to lay-offs. Companies did not make this choice based on rationality. It was a budget thing. The higher the wage , the more likely you would be let go. Sometimes they let people go who had been there for a long time. They would force some to retire. Some of the time it was an age thing. Younger managers did not want to work with someone older and wiser. The work place became a '”political” place. They worked to further their own cause. Let the others lose the jobs. Elmer saw all this. He did not think it would happen to him. After all, he had an education in his chosen field.

Elmer was wrong.

Elmer continued working in his chosen field. Many others got out. Some retrained in other careers while they were still young enough to do so. Elmer went back to school. He trained in the new application of CADD. Meanwhile, Elmer stopped going to parties. He stopped hosting parties. For the most part he stopped socializing as he had in the past. After all, why socialize with co-workers if you (or they) will be losing positions soon. He may never see them again. Elmer was changing due to the working environment.

Elmer was becoming a believer.

Elmer was hired for many temporary jobs. In his business this was known as contract work. During this period He did not socialize with people he worked with. He had friends outside of the work place. He went to work. Worked his shift only. Did not work extra hours. Charged a higher hourly rate for his service's. Only socialized at work. With people he had to deal with. Forgot all about them, & work, on the ride home. Made no effort to remember people & their names. Even when he accepted a full time job.

Elmer was let go from every job. He lasted six years once. Companies let people go as soon as they were not needed. They would hire new employees when work load demanded. Knowledge about company products/services was unappreciated. It was a hard between jobs. He was able to draw unemployment. Never enough to pay the bills. Over time, lost all of his savings for retirement. Almost lost his home. Overnight stay in hospital for stress. Several good, long time friends died. Some ended in the hospital for similar things. Further changes in Elmer. More hard-boiled to the situation of others. Less social. More attitude. Meanwhile the work place was evolving toward more automation. More CADD work. More programs to learn. Companies wanted workers skilled in the CADD program they were using. Not willing to train workers as they once did. Many workers chose not to learn new programs. They were thrown out.

One day, the type of work Elmer had been doing his entire career was no longer wanted. Workers with four year college degrees were now required to do this type of work. Trade school & two year diplomas were not enough. Elmer was phased out. He had too much experience. He was too old. After all, one can not gain experience with out aging. By this time, Elmer was at the S.S.(social security) Retirement age. He decided to take S.S.. He could still draw unemployment until it ran out. He still wanted to work. His last job lasted three months. The work place did not want Elmer.

Elmer Phud is a believer.

It took a life time of working. He was a slow learner. Elmer was forced to list his home of twenty years, for sale. In a falling market. It has been on the market for more than a year. The home is nearly worth less than what he paid for it. Once again, Elmer did not foresee that happening.

Elmer Phud. Career life 1965-2010.

Not catching fish.

Dear State DNR Director:

I’ve decided not to catch fish this year.

My friend Lazy Ike has not caught fish for years and the Government pays him to stay home. He received $1500 for not catching fish so I am going into the not-catching-fish business. What I want to know is what is the best type of fish not to catch and what is the best lake not to catch fish on? I mostly do not catch fish on Smoke Lake but am open to other lakes in my area. I assume traveling is not a requirement for this business. I would prefer not to catch walleye, but if this is not the best kind not to catch, I would just as gladly not catch perch, dogfish or bull heads. Maybe a northern once in a while.

My friend Lazy Ike has entered a lot of fishing contests and gone fishing numerous times with his family. He never won nor received money for fishing until last summer when he did not catch any fish. The government gave him $30 for each fish he did not catch. He showed them he did not catch 50 fish and received $1500 for his efforts. Now if I get $3000 per 100 fish I do not catch, I assume I will get $6000 for 2 hundred and so on.

I have written a business plan that is based on starting on a small scale. Perhaps not catching 50 fish the first year and, if every thing goes well, I will increase the number each year until I reach a comfortable level of living from not catching fish. I do not want to rush into this business and hurt myself not catching fish. This is such a rare thing however I must prepare just in case I sprain my back, jerk an empty line, fall overboard or something.

Now I assume because this is a business I will be able to deduct expenses on my taxes. I understand farmers get a tax break on equipment they buy and do not use so I would need and expect the same consideration. I will buy a new fishing outfit complete with new fishing line and boat and never use it. I would expect to spend about $35,000 the first year with decreasing amounts the following years. The more fish I do not catch, the less equipment I do not need. However, I will need to upgrade every five years just to keep up appearances.

I will not be using any public or private boat landings. Can I take a business deduction for all the landings and docks I do not use? About all the Licenses and other fees I will not incur and not be purchasing, are they deductible? What tax form, if any, should I use?

This year, fishing opener is just about upon us and I am getting excited about this new business opportunity. The hardest part of this business will be keeping records of all the fish I did not catch. The record keeping alone will amount to several hours a day of hard labor. The amount of money I will not spend on office supplies will put a small child through kindergarten. I will not need a computer, printer/copy machine and several disk to store such types of information. I assume I should keep meticulous records. I do not want to tell a false fishing story. I think there are penalties for doing that.

Please send all refund checks, payable to yours truly, to:

BEER-BOY‘S BED N’ BREAKFAST, lot 00, Woody’s Bagels an’ Bait resort

NO-JOB-LAND, MN.