Not catching fish.

Dear State DNR Director:

I’ve decided not to catch fish this year.

My friend Lazy Ike has not caught fish for years and the Government pays him to stay home. He received $1500 for not catching fish so I am going into the not-catching-fish business. What I want to know is what is the best type of fish not to catch and what is the best lake not to catch fish on? I mostly do not catch fish on Smoke Lake but am open to other lakes in my area. I assume traveling is not a requirement for this business. I would prefer not to catch walleye, but if this is not the best kind not to catch, I would just as gladly not catch perch, dogfish or bull heads. Maybe a northern once in a while.

My friend Lazy Ike has entered a lot of fishing contests and gone fishing numerous times with his family. He never won nor received money for fishing until last summer when he did not catch any fish. The government gave him $30 for each fish he did not catch. He showed them he did not catch 50 fish and received $1500 for his efforts. Now if I get $3000 per 100 fish I do not catch, I assume I will get $6000 for 2 hundred and so on.

I have written a business plan that is based on starting on a small scale. Perhaps not catching 50 fish the first year and, if every thing goes well, I will increase the number each year until I reach a comfortable level of living from not catching fish. I do not want to rush into this business and hurt myself not catching fish. This is such a rare thing however I must prepare just in case I sprain my back, jerk an empty line, fall overboard or something.

Now I assume because this is a business I will be able to deduct expenses on my taxes. I understand farmers get a tax break on equipment they buy and do not use so I would need and expect the same consideration. I will buy a new fishing outfit complete with new fishing line and boat and never use it. I would expect to spend about $35,000 the first year with decreasing amounts the following years. The more fish I do not catch, the less equipment I do not need. However, I will need to upgrade every five years just to keep up appearances.

I will not be using any public or private boat landings. Can I take a business deduction for all the landings and docks I do not use? About all the Licenses and other fees I will not incur and not be purchasing, are they deductible? What tax form, if any, should I use?

This year, fishing opener is just about upon us and I am getting excited about this new business opportunity. The hardest part of this business will be keeping records of all the fish I did not catch. The record keeping alone will amount to several hours a day of hard labor. The amount of money I will not spend on office supplies will put a small child through kindergarten. I will not need a computer, printer/copy machine and several disk to store such types of information. I assume I should keep meticulous records. I do not want to tell a false fishing story. I think there are penalties for doing that.

Please send all refund checks, payable to yours truly, to:

BEER-BOY‘S BED N’ BREAKFAST, lot 00, Woody’s Bagels an’ Bait resort

NO-JOB-LAND, MN.