The Streak.

Elmer Phud was having a streak of bad luck. In January, Elmer broke his nose.

Elmer Phud broke his nose jumping a snowmobile over a crossroads. The ditch on the other side was blown half-full of snow and formed a sharp drop facing the direction he was coming from. The sled cleared the road but dropped onto the edge of the snow bank causing the front of the sled to pivot sharply up. Elmer pivoted sharply down. The handlebar came up to meet his nose at a very fast rate of speed. The sled was at full power so the tracks dug into the snow causing it to shoot up and out of the snowbank. This carried him, his broken helmet, goggles, glasses and nose about 20 ft without touching the snow. It came down and went up twice more before he bailed off. The sled was unhurt. It stopped and grinned at Elmer. Later Big Daddy Phunk set his nose using his hands to straighten it and a piece of duct-tape to keep it in place. All of this was done without a good brewski or common sense. Elmer's nose is almost straight.

The year before, Big Daddy and Elmer had been trail riding, with motorcycles, when Elmer became a few inches shorter. They were in a back woods running on some old logging trails. These trails had small trees down across it and other obstacles. Going into the area they had to jump some of these obstacles with the motorcycles. Everything was fine going in. Coming out was different.

Elmer came up to the last fallen tree, which he had jumped once. The motorcycle misbehaved and struck the tree off center of the frame. The Bike came down, causing the last half of the frame to increase in velocity. This action catapulted Elmer straight up into the air. Surprise! He came straight down on his helmet and balanced there for a few seconds, toppled over. His shoulders stopped the helmet from going any further. HE soon discovered his shoulders were at his waist! Elmer still has the urge to unzip his fly to take a drink of water. Elmer found it hard to get his family to understand why he left the house 6ft 2inches tall and came back 5ft 8 inches. He was not recognized. He finally got in the house by showing a picture ID.

Riding any kind of trail machine can be and is dangerous. Six months ago, Big Daddy Phunk, Wee Willie and Elmer Phud were riding snowmobiles along a deep ditch. Snow was not very deep allowing them to travel at a very good clip. Weaving in and out, up and over and through the snow banks. Elmer was, at that time riding by half sitting and kneeling on the seat to keep himself balanced with one foot on the running board. He was zipping along having fun when he hit a patch of bare dirt. The sled slowed down very quickly, catapulting him forward at the speed the machine had been going. This forced Elmer into a run so fast (He later calculated the speed using scientific methods as 90 mph) his body overshot his legs by several yards. He straight-lined directly into the side of the steep ditch, which broke his fall and ribs (with a loud POP). Because there was not much snow on the side of the ditch, Wee Willie and Big Daddy did not have to follow the cries of pain to find him. The machine stopped unhurt.

They sat around the sleds drinking a few brewski's waiting for Elmer's pain to subside. Elmer used some elastic wrap, wrapped his rib cage tight and took two aspirin. He wore the elastic until the ribs healed. That’s all a doctor would do.

The other day, being a bit older, not wiser, Elmer tried out Grandson’s scooter. He was at the Lake Place talking to Shirley Jo when he said, “If you go get the movie camera, I’ll try to ride Grandson’s scooter.” Not believing him, she did not move. They continued to drink brewski's. Later Elmer mentioned the subject once more. She didn’t believe him.

After their fourth brewski, Elmer picked up the scooter, went a few feet to the road and started down hill. For those of you who may want to try this, don’t. If you must, pick a hill not so steep. Elmer got going and was doing a one legged stand past The Arizona Outlaws and hollered at them. Arizona Bob was heard to say “What was that streak?” Elmer was headed for the docks and lake! By now, he was going faster than he could think! He could not remember where the brake was or even if it had one. He reasoned dirt would slow him down. Elmer went into the dirt just missing a tree and fell head over teakettle. He jumped up dazed and disorientated. His ribs hurt, eyes out of focus and crossed. He slapped himself along side the head trying to get his eyes straight. He was looking straight ahead but could see his right shoulder. The scooter lay there grinning, unhurt.

The first comments Elmer heard after everyone stopped laughing long enough to take a breath was “Hey Elmer, did you get into the demon 151 rum again?”

“No, but does anyone have a bottle of aspirin?” Said Elmer.