The Big One

It was a nice, early spring day, Elmer Phud was outside washing the windows on my RV.
“What are ya doing,” yelled Big Daddy Phunk, sneaking up on Elmer.
 
“Checking the roof,” said Elmer. “Now help me down ya dang old fool an stop sneaking up on me.”
 
“Why are ya checking for roots up there?” As you may suspect, Big Daddy has selective hearing.
 
“What do ya want,” Elmer growled, ignoring his repartee. Big Daddy is Elmer's next door neighbor at the lake. Big Daddy and his better half, Shirly Jo, are the trailer rednecks next door. He’s always coming over and inviting Elmer to do something which he later wishes he hadn’t done. It’s enough for a person to want a brewski before noon on Easter Sunday.
 
“Mumbles just put his boat in the water an’ we thought you may want to go with us for a quick trip” said he. Mumbles, and his wife Phoebe, have a trailer on the other side of Big Daddy.
 
“Well you thought wrong. Why should I go out on the lake with you two? I always seem to get in trouble of some kind when we do something together”, said Elmer. To be sure, He’s known Big Daddy and Mumbles most of his adult life. Some go so far as to say they're best friends. But something always seems to go wrong when they try to do anything together. Like fishing or duck, bear or deer hunting. Or just setting around thinking up something to do. Most of the time Elmer manages to evade a long jail sentence. But only because he’s a quick thinker.
 
“Name one time we had a bad experience together”, said Big Daddy.
 
“Remember our rock hunting experience? Or how about that time down in Omaha?”
 
“I said one time. That’s more than once.”
 
“That’s my point”, said Elmer going on with his work.
 
“Well its not going to be like that this time. We don’t have fishing permits, so we’ll leave the fishing gear on shore. And besides, if you don’t go, Miles will come over and get you to help her level her RV.”
 
“We still here?” Elmer said, dropping the water hose, which started to dance around violently, spraying Big Daddy full in the face before he got it shut off. Big Daddy’s water in the face routine can be funny but it’s his dancing ( some call it the “crappie flop”) about and cussing that gets everyone to laugh. What a fiend! He sure knows some colorful words. Elmer rushed into the RV, grabbed a couple of refreshments and left without a backward glance. He didn’t want Miles to catch him home.
 
By the time they downed a couple of brewski’s and jumped into Mumble’s aluminum 23 ft. fishing boat, they had forgotten most every thing, such as warm jackets and gloves. It was a crime of opportunity.
 
Therefore they decided to go as far as they could. They headed for Kabakona Bay and other lakes west. They explored at least two other, connected, lakes and a river, shooting the breeze as they went. At one point they hit something in the water but couldn’t see what it was. Thinking back, if Elmer had known how things were going to turn out,he would have thrown the other two overboard and headed back to the dock as fast as the boat would go. Oh well. Missed by that much.
 
They were on their way down river and in shallow water when Mumbles shouted “What’s that in the water up ahead?” What they heard was “what…..water…..ahead?” They needed to interpret what he actually said.
 
“Looks like a dead fish” Big Daddy said.

 
As they got closer they could see it was a large fish floating on the water.
 
“That must have been what we hit going the other way. Steer the boat closer” Big Daddy said.
 
“Its still alive. Let’s bring it aboard” Mumbles said.
 
“With what?” Elmer said. “We left everything on shore.”
 
“There’s a landing net in the storage up front. Use it. I’ll keep the boat close and you net it”
Something starts to tugged at Elmer's memory but it let go. By the time he got the net out, Mumbles couldn’t restrain himself. He reached into the water with his bare hands, trying for the fish. The fish had enough energy left to whip about, biting Mumbles finger and causing a large slash, which bleed something fierce. Big Daddy and Elmer suggested sewing it up with a bass hook and monofilament line but Mumbles said, as enticing that idea was, gangrene isn’t so bad. It would be better if he braved it out. Elmer was disappointed. He needed the sewing practice.
 
About this time they started to lose control of the boat. They were all standing on one side and were about to capsize while drifting into weeds and mud bottom. Finally after arranging themselves and getting the boat under control, they tried for the fish again, this time with the net.
 
The fish was too big for the net and kept slipping out until Big Daddy finally was able to hold it long enough to get it in the boat. This took all of a half an hour. By now they knew it was a big fish and being exhausted from exerting themselves, they had to replenish their strength with a couple of brewski’s. 
 
With the fish finally on board, brewski’s under their belts, the motor was overheating because it was plugged with mud after drifting into the weeds. They shut it off and waited for it to cool. They downed more brewski’s. Finally they were able to make a run for home. As they approached, they saw several people on the dock. Big Daddy and Mumbles didn’t have permits for fishing and Elmer did. So he became the designated fisherman. Mumbles went up to tell their wives about the fish and bring back a camera. Big Daddy is telling everyone who will listen about their little adventure but to the questions about what bait was used he would reply “Elmer caught it on a net crafter”. Thus disavowing any involvement. And when their wives finally asked about our trip he replied “We did it without tipping over. And honey, we’re still sober!” An then he staggered backwards off the dock and into the lake.
 
By now they were attracting a small crowd, both kids and adults. All three took turns posing for pictures, everyone admiring the big fish. The resort (Woody’s Bagels an’ Bait) owner, Woody, arrived and wanted pictures to hang in the lodge and also to weight it (over 16 lbs.). Elmer’s thinking this is getting out of hand. No one seems to notice there’s no fishing gear in the boat.
 
A week later Woody showed Elmer a picture hanging on the lodge wall. It’s Elmer Phud holding the big fish. Now Elmer remembers. It’s unlawful to use a net or to snag game fish! And there on the wall for all to see, Elmer is holding a fish that was netted. It was there for a couple of years and they couldn’t tell anyone how or where they really caught the BIG one.
“Catch and release Hell. Hook’m and cook’m”.