The Scooter Incident

Some of us can’t get a break. Or maybe one too many. Elmer Phud broke his nose jumping a snowmobile over a crossroad. The ditch on the other side was blown half-full of snow and formed a sharp drop facing the direction he was coming from. The sled cleared the road but dropped onto the edge of the snow bank causing the front of the sled to pivot sharply up. Elmer pivoted sharply down. The handlebar met his nose at a very fast rate of speed. The sled was at almost full power so the tracks dug into the snow causing it to shoot up and out of the snow bank. Elmer and his broken helmet, goggles, glasses and nose flew about 20 ft.. Without touching the snow. It came down and went up twice more before Elmer bailed off. The sled was unhurt. It stopped and grinned. Later Big Daddy Phunk set Elmer’s nose, straightening it and used a piece of ductape to keep it in place. What are friends for. All of this was done without a good brewski or common sense. Good Doctors are hard to come by. Today, Elmer’s nose is almost straight.
Skunk and Elmer had been trail riding one fall with their motorcycles when Elmer became a few inches shorter. They were in a back woods running on some old logging trails. The trails had small trees down across it and other obstacles. Going into the area they had to jump some of the obstacles with the motorcycle. Everything was fine going in. Coming out was different.

Elmer came up to the last fallen tree, which had been jumped once. The motorcycle misbehaved and struck the tree off center. The front of the motorcycle came down, causing the last half of the motorcycle to increase in velocity. This action catapulted Elmer straight up into the air. Surprise! Elmer came straight down on his helmet and balanced there for a few seconds. He toppled over. It was a good thing his shoulders stopped the helmet from going any further. The bad thing, his shoulders were at his waist! Elmer still has the urge to unzip his fly to take a drink of water. It is hard to get your family to understand when you leave the house 6ft 2inches tall and come back 5ft 9 inches. You may not be recognized. Elmer finally got in the house by showing a picture ID.

Riding any kind of trail machine can be and is dangerous. Skunk, Wild Bill and Elmer were riding snowmobiles along a nice and friendly, deep ditch. Snow was not very deep so they were traveling at a very good clip. Weaving in and out, up and over and through the wind blown snow banks. Elmer was, at that time, riding by half sitting and kneeling on the seat to keep balanced with one foot on the running board. It was not a good idea. Elmer was zipping along having fun when he hit a patch of bare dirt. Never a good thing. The sled slowed down very quickly, catapulting Elmer forward at the speed the machine had been going. As he was balanced, this action forced him into a run so fast (he later calculated the speed using scientific methods as 90 mph) his body overshot his legs by several yards. He ran directly into the side of the steep ditch, which broke his fall and ribs (with a loud POP). Because there was not much snow on the side of the ditch, Wild Bill and Skunk did not have to follow the cries of pain to find him. The machine stopped unhurt. Later they would agree the machine was grinning. Being good friends, they sat around the sleds drinking a few brewski’s waiting for the pain to subside. The next day, Elmer bought some elastic wrap and wrapped his rib cage tight and took two aspirin. He wore the elastic until the ribs healed. He reasoned that’s all a good doctor would do.
Not long ago, being a little bit older, but not wiser, Elmer tried out Grandson’s scooter. Not one of his better ideas. He was at the lake place talking to his neighbor, Shirley Jo Phunk when he said, “If you go get the movie camera I’ll try to ride Grandson’s scooter.” Not believing him, she did not move. They continued to drink brewski’s. Later he mentioned the subject once more. She didn’t believe him.
By now they had several brewski’s. The brews did not help. Elmer picked up the scooter, went a few feet to the road and got it going down hill by pushing then jumping on it. Three pieces of advice. Number one, for those of you who may want to try this, don’t. Number two is if you must, pick a hill not so steep. Due to the following, number three was forgotten. Elmer got going and was doing a one legged stand past The Arizona outlaws and hollered at them. Arizona Bob was heard to say “What was that streak”? The hill suddenly got steeper and he was headed for the docks and lake! By now he was going faster than he could think. Elmer could not remember where the brake was or even if it had one. He reasoned dirt would slow him down so he would stop and step off. He went into the dirt just missing a tree. The dirt acted as a brake. He fell head over teakettle. He jumped up dazed and disorientated. His ribs hurt, eyes out of focus and crossed. Elmer was looking straight ahead but could see his right shoulder! He slapped himself up side the head trying to get his eyes straight. The scooter lay there grinning, unhurt.
The first comments heard after everyone stopped laughing long enough to take a breath was “Hey Elmer, did you get into the demon 151 rum again?”
No Elmer said, but does anyone have a bottle of aspirin?